Random Rambles of a Wondering Wanderer
by Heirx
Summary: Prompts, challenges, and ideas turned into short stories. Cleaned up with a few grammar apps, but none are edited. Expect lots of humor, including some rather dark tones, along with a helping of entertainment.
1. My name is Harry Potter Prepare to die

Children raised in neglectful, harsh or downright abusive homes are far more mature than their age would suggest. Learning to keep yourself fed, watered, how to avoid getting hurt, and the plans to do so forces this maturity to come early. A young boy of Number 4 Privat Drive named Harry Potter was no different.

As he got over the initial shock of the situation Harry forced himself to focus on a bit of information Hagrid had said. The man who killed his parents was still out there, biding his time. Harry felt a cold chill creep over him as that singular thought froze him to the core. His mind locked on this single thought, a chilling numbness washing over him.

Then something seemed to click in his head. It was the same sort of feeling he had after the Dursley's were being especially mean towards him. A turning of the fear into resolve, of chilling fear into cold-forged hatred. The man who had killed his parents was still out there.

Harry had long resolved that the first chance he could the Dursley's would pay back the slights paid to him with steep interest. Now another name joined to this exclusive list and he would destroy this man for taking his parents from him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Vernon was not a nice man by any definition of the word. Small-minded, petty, cruel, and vindictive would be some of the nicer ways to describe the whale of a man. One thing Vernon was not though was stupid. He had a vile and sadistic intelligence to him, one that had served him well, one that Harry was aware of. So, in returning to the Dursley's house he approached his uncle with a message that would appeal to the vile man.

"There's an evil freak out there killing regular folks and I want your help in killing him!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry had several lists in his mind, the first was one for those who would suffer most dear for their actions against him. After that, the names became more of those who had paid him great insult or minor injury. Then slight insult yet meant to harm. The rest had been those to remember for future fault.

Snape had stamped his name in the second list and was approaching the point where Harry would have to act against the man. Well, at least that had been the truth until his first Quidditch match. The man had attempted to kill him! Only through Hermione setting the prick on fire had he managed to survive. Snape had made his stance clear, and so Harry would reply in turn, with interest.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry held the smooth material in his hands as Ron prattled on about how amazing a gift it was in the background. The invisibility cloak in his hands held a key to the answer to his problems. He had thought it would take far more time to put debts back to rights. Now though this changed things, debts would come calling soon.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There was a silence across the Great Hall as Dumbledore continued his speech on the tragic events of today.

"Professor Snape, Students Malfoy, Parkinson, Nott, and Goyle have passed today. The terrible accident in the 1st year Potions class today has come as a most violent shock to us all today. I have canceled classes for the rest of the week while we take this time to mourn for those lost."

As he continued to speak to the assembled school Dumbledore was of mixed emotions. Losing Snape and several Slytherin first years was a great tragedy. That Harry Potter had managed to shatter many bones in his left arm earlier today was fortunate.

It was due to this he that had missed the tragedy, was a sign of the prophecy coming into play he was sure. After all, what was a temporary injury compared to dying from a cauldron explosion? This was Fate herself showing her hand in keeping Harry from death!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry knew that shaved Erumpent Horn was explosive unless handled with care. Snape had told them what cabinets were dangerous until he cleared them to use. What Harry had not taken into account though was how explosive they were. Sneaking into the Potions classroom under his invisibility cloak had been difficult. Tossing a handful of the shavings into Malfoys cauldron without anyone noticing had been difficult as well.

He was glad he had then started running after tossing them. The shavings had taken around 10 seconds to react enough to explode. This was enough time for him to get out and Snape to make his way over the to Cauldron.

The resulting explosion had blown the room to hell and back. He was thankful he had gotten clear enough to not be further injured. Rushing back to the infirmary had sealed his alibi. No one suspected him of having anything to do with the accident. Harry sighed in contentment, he had already started to pay debts owed, life was looking up.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

As he saw the man who had killed his parents growing out of the back of Quirrell's head, only one all-pervading thought came over him. Here was the man who had killed his parents! Letting the only action he would thank his uncle for take over, Harry reached into around to his back. With a smooth action, he drew, aimed and fired at center mass of Quirrell. After emptying the clip Harry smiled, his uncle had been right.

Wizard or not, a bullet or five to the chest will kill anyone.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Just a short little story based on the Story Prompt by Reddit User 15_Redstones

"My Name is Harry Potter. You Killed my Father. Prepare to die."


	2. Alternate Career Harry

The war with Riddle was over finally, and Harry had emerged victorious. He had shared drinks in joy at the pubs across the country. Shed tears in memorials, funerals, and events aplenty.

Throughout it, all Harry had smiled and cried while inside, he felt asleep. He couldn't feel alive or awake anymore. What this said about him, he wasn't sure, but he knew that something had broken inside.

Ginny had been the first to notice something was not quite right with Harry. They had both tried to kindle up the romance now the war was over. Ginny felt soon enough that Harry was going through the motions. She brought Hermione into her confidence soon enough.

That had led to some frank discussions on shell shock and survivors' guilt. Ginny and Harry had split soon enough; Ginny needed someone to be there for her, not to be there for someone else. Harry didn't blame her; he couldn't work up the energy to, especially while she hurt still over Fred passing.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ron had made an offhand comment one day visiting that lead to Harry feeling awake once again. He had gone out to Hogwarts to speak with his old friend, his first friend, Hagrid. It was the kind and gentle soul of Hagrid that had seen the darkness covering the lite of Harry's eyes. This had led to Hagrid cheering up Harry the only way he knew how.

Harry rode along with one of his other old friends Buckbeak. Sitting on the back of the great beast while soaring over the forest was a fantastic feeling. The speed, movement, and life of Buckbeak woke up Harry as they swooped over the Forbidden Forest.

Coming across an acromantula during a dive they had battled together. It was there riding the back of Buckbeak slinging forth spells that he felt alive once again.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Peruvian Department Head of Magical Creatures and Beasts strode into the minister's office holding a sheet of parchment in his hands.

"Minister! We have found someone who has promised to handle the Lethifold breakout for us! His rates for doing so are low while promising to be here soon!"

The minister took the parchment and read it over, his smile growing as he read further along.

"Excellent, we must secure his services as soon as possible!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Swooping down onto the forest clearing, Buckbeak cawed in righteous anger at the vile creatures around him. His goblin forged talon blades holding off the Lethifolds as Harry stayed mounted atop him.

A sticking charm holding him in place, Harry swung the Sword of Gryffindor at the foul creatures. The basilisk venom infused blade causing great pain to the Lethifolds. Patronus blazing from his wand, Harry felt alive as they stormed into the thick of battle.

Boy-Who-Lived.

Man-Who-Conquered.

Destroyer-Who-Protects.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry Potter had found his true life's calling. Breaking the ranks of dark creatures throughout the world. Protecting those who cannot fend for themselves. If the occasional aspiring Dark Lord happened to be in his way, they didn't stay that way for long.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Based on the Prompt from Reddit User RowanWinterlace

Alternate Career Harry


	3. Draco and the Helicopter

The young scion of House Malfoy, pureblood heir felt baffled by the strange beast that had attacked him. The muggles inside the beast controlling it though made it clear why he had crashed!

Somehow the muggles had learned vile magic most foul to break the control of his broom forcing him to crash. Surely, he had not panicked and lost control of his broom!

No, it had been those dirty muggles trying to steal his magic for the mudbloods! Yes, that was it, there could be no other reason. Sure of himself once again he grabbed his broom and ran into woods.

The dirty muggles kept trying to find him with their metal flying beast. Likely to steal the rest of his superior pureblood magic! Calling his house elf Dobby he instructed the filthy creature to take him home.

He was certain father would want to hear of his latest discovery of the filthy muggleborn plot!

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dumbledore sighed to himself as he called for the vote on the latest bill. With a clear majority the bill passed, and Dumbledore could only sigh in resignation.

"The bill to declare Helicopters as Dark Creatures is hereby passed by majority vote. As such any wizard may destroy with impunity any such..." Dumbledore let out an even greater sigh at this next bit. "...creatures... that are sighted near or on wizard property."

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Based on the Story Prompt by Reddit user CryptidGrimnoir


	4. The Daily Profit

It was year 4 for Harry Potter and the Yule Ball was approaching. Harry found himself sitting in the dorms relaxing for once with Ron and Dean when Ron spouted off something that shook Harry from his relaxed state.

"Given how much Malfoy pays them for their stories, it should really be called the Daily Profit"

It had taken Harry a second to get the truly horrible pun by Ron. Tilting his head sideways the question just popped out of his mouth.

"Wait, you mean Malfoy buys articles from the prophet!? That's why they are always so slanted against me and muggleborns?"

Ron's reply was bland in the obviousness of the statement.

"Well yeah mate, of course they buy articles. The Daily is a business, so of course you buy things from them, like articles in the paper."

Harry narrowed his eyes in thought, he had some owls to send off.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Potters were not rich as god or anything though they were rather wealthy. When Harry had gotten an accounting of his full wealth he had smiled when he thought of the amount he had. Comparing it to the prices he had gotten from the owners of the various wizarding publications he smiled even more.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry smiled as the various papers filled the great hall. Ordering several copies for every table had been an excellent call.

HARRY POTTER FORCED TO COMPETE IN MINISTRY DEATH GAMES!

-Daily Prophet

Harry Potter, the Life of a Tragic Hero Revealed!

-Teen Witch Weekly

Potioneers Disappearing from Wizarding Britain! How One Professors Teaching is Destroying Our Future!

-Quarterly Potions

When a Nickname Spirals Out of Control, History of a Riddle!

-The Quibbler

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Based on the Prompt by Reddit user 15_Redstones

"Given how much Malfoy pays them to control the narrative, it should really be called the Daily Profit"


	5. Arresto Momentum on The Hogwarts Express

The Hogwarts Express was a powerful magical artifact. It traveled past muggle towns, through muggle railways, and made its way through any weather with no issue.

It could go up a mountainside with as if going across a smooth plain. Surrounding the train was a localized field that made it always warm and free of hazardous weather.

The train was in fact out of phase, when moving, with reality in its own pocket.

This is important for two reasons. Firstly because it explains why the train ride was always a pleasurable experience. Secondly and far more importantly, it helps explain the current circumstances.

To understand these circumstances we will have to go back a bit. So here we go.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry loved flying more than anything else. The freedom, the speed, the danger, it was all so amazing.

After the Dementor game had happened Harry got to thinking. He was lucky, lucky Dumbledore had been there to cast that spell.

Arresto Momentum slowed him enough so a fall from a few hundred meters didn't turn him into a crepe on the pitch.

Harry spent some time learning the spell, better safe than sorry after all.

Then he realized he would need to learn it wandlessly.

Shite, that's going to suck.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Staying after Charms class Harry waved on his friends waiting to talk to the professor.

"Sir, I was hoping you could help me. After I fell during the game I've been learning the slowing charm. Well, I want to learn ot wandlessly now. So if there is another fall I will be okay."

Flitwick looked at the boy as he thought. He was a powerful practical caster and had a good head for theory.

He had to admit falling from the cloud level while being chased by dementors would likely be a powerful motivator.

"Alright Mr. Potter, I recommend you start with the Book 'Stolen Sticks and Other Failed Focus Findings: Wandless Wizards Working With Mastered Magics'"

Flitwick told him where to find the book in the library and sent the boy off. It was not wandless magic for all, it focused on mastering spells individually without a wand. Something a 3rd year could learn with hard work.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry stared at the hole in the castle walls and decided discretion was the better part of valor.

What the hell had happened? He overpowered the AM spell wanting to see how long the inkpot would stay floating in the room.

Instead, it had blasted away faster than a blink and the castle had a fist-sized hole in it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Experimenting around over the next month told him whatever was going on with the spell was consistent.

The objects always flew the same direction. Slightly upwards and west. The more he overpowered the spell the faster they went.

Harry had no idea why this was happening but all this working with directions had a side effect. Harry was now constantly aware of what direction west was in relation to himself.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The end of the year had come and Harry was explaining how he thought Arresto Momentum worked to Hermione.

"Honestly, it can partially or even fully remove the effects of gravity on an object. Which means it's not attached to the Earth's gravity anymore. Which means it holds still while the Earth fly's the hell away from it!"

Hermione was more than skeptical the spell when overpowered did something like that. If it did wizards could have used it to master space travel centuries ago. The arthimancy of it would be incredible. It just didn't make sense.

The doubt was clearly showing so Harry made sure the train was facing the right direction holding up a quill.

"Look Hermione, I'll overpower it just a tiny bit. It will smack straight into the wall over there. The trains heading west so it's perfect to show you now."

Harry took out his wand and started casting. Which is the exact moment fate got bored and decided to have a bit of fun.

Malfoy slammed the door open yelling about filthy mudbloods as Harry finished his cast. Startling Harry he massively overpowered the cast.

The spell washed over the train as he jumped from Malfoys entrance. Malfoy stopped speaking after a few seconds and a look of terror overtook his face.

Harry turned his head to see what was scaring Draco so badly and turned white in fear himself.

The stars were getting much closer as the train continued to fly at what was had to be thousands of miles an hour into the sky.

"Bloody hell, this is going to be shit."

Hermione couldn't even be bothered to correct his language as thoughts of escaping air, solar radiation and the other horrors of a violent death in space overtook her mind.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Several hours later the prefects had managed to get the students corralled and calmed down. They were past the Earth and could see the moon in the distance as the approached it.

Harry had explained several times what had happened and Malfoy had been bollocked around the ears for being a fecking retard.

The conductor had explained the spell work protecting the train so they would be fine so long as they kept the wards charged. Which was a simple affair so there were no worries about the horrors of space killing them all.

An aquamanti spell would keep them watered and the dining cart was well stocked with provisions. They would be fine for a few weeks if they were careful.

Still, the upper years had begun tearing down Arresto Momentum with arthimancy and it had been a bit crazy.

The spell actually become more complex the more it was understood.

"Alright" One of the prefects started talking getting the attention of the train.

"We know what happened and how it happened. We know that despite how it looks we are perfectly safe right now. So everyone needs to stay calm. We are looking into getting in contact with the Ministry right now so just return to your cabins and stay calm for now."

While it hadn't been what everyone wanted to hear it had been enough to settle everyone for now.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been a week and the prefects had taken a full inventory of all possessions on the train.

The ministry had sent a Patronus and they were being used to pass information. House-elves had been unable to reach them, portkeys and appriation likewise could not cover the distance. Unless the ministry could get to space soon they would be on their own for at least a few months.

Seven train cars had been expanded and transfigured into dorms. Right side girls, left side boys. Each year together regardless of house.

Three cars had been turned into greenhouses. That had been a pain, though a ward to hold conjured dirt into being had helped. The unspeakables had been sending some mighty helpful spells their way.

The gardens were coming along quickly with the seeds they had scoured for. Vegetables and fruits from food in the dining cart.

Spells used to grow plants from cuttings had been used on several useful potion ingredients.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been a year now and the ministry was no closer to helping them.

At least the unspeakables had been helpful for one other part. An honesty, calming, and cheerfulness warding scheme had been placed across the entire train after a few months.

It had been rough for a few weeks after the cooperation ward went up but now they were all getting along fine. A few cars were dedicated to keeping up with teaching. Upper years teaching lower years.

The ministry had tried to have them arrest Harry. They had confined him for a bit but the cooperation ward had soon cleared the air. While he was not the most popular person no one held it against him anymore.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The first few pregnancies finally happened. Contraceptive charms worked fine still of course. Though after three years and no sign of the ministry being of any help.

Well the honesty part of the ward was working, and they had admitted to themselves. It would be possibly decades before they were saved if ever.

The Ravenclaws had worked up how many people they could feed and stay sustainable. That number was lowered for comfort and stability then passed around. They could nearly triple their numbers before it became a problem. Though there was no desire to reach that point.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

They had slowed down the train temporarily with extreme effort as they approached the asteroid belt. Roping in a few asteroids and ice comets had been a total pain in the ass.

Incorporating them into a scheme had been an even bigger bitch. Still, it was done and they were once again on their merry way out of the solar system.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had taken just over a decade but they were certain now. The slow growth of the children born had made them certain.

They were not sure what combination of spells had done it but they were aging much slower than they had any right to.

Kings Station, as the conglomeration of train and asteroids was called, was still trucking along. Once they reached past Mars the Patronus had not been able to reach them anymore.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been nearly three hundred years before someone had finally found them.

They had changed since then far beyond what would have been thought.

Wands had been broken over the years and irreplaceable. So wandless magic had become a need rather quickly.

Magic had shaped them slowly over the centuries to better fit their new environment.

The meatless diet with minimal exercise had worried several Ravenclaws until a solution was found.

Lowering the gravity by a third had been decided upon. One of the asteroids was turned into a magically expanded forest if gigantic proportions. Trees hundreds of meters tall made up this gigantic city.

The train was relegated to a museum eventually as the few asteroids were made into habitats.

They had a dedicated school asteroid that was reinforced to keep any stray spells from damaging it.

Food was grown freely by each family in their treetop houses. Through requiring active movement to traverse around, it kept the people fit and thin.

The shock of the finders on seeing the inhabitants was astounding. They had been expecting to find a few desperate descendants at best.

I had taken time to find what was supposed to be a single train out past the Oort cloud.

Instead, they had found a small collection of asteroids and comets attached to the train.

There were no few desperate descendants, instead, it was a thriving forest city filled with thousands of powerful wizards. Including nearly all the original students. With only around a dozen having died due to accidents. Most of them still looked to be in their early 30s still in fact.

The statue of secrecy had collapsed in the mid 21st century. So it was incredible to find an entire wizarding only civilization untouched by mundane society.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

End of Short Story. I could expand this and might one day but this seems like a good place to stop.

Built from the Prompt from Reddit User 15_Redstones


	6. Nic the Lost

Time turners are delicate things hence why they are protected in little frames.

So it is needless to say a running spell battle in the DoM Time Room was a really horrible idea. As Harry made it out the door first one of the death eaters bombarda spell raced by him.

The resulting explosion was contained to only the room due to extensive charms.

This was of little help to Harry's friends or the Death Eaters, or for that fact Harry

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry wasn't sure of much at the moment except for that he had no idea where he was, what his name was or how he had really got here.

He remembered lots of things, just some of them didn't really make any sense.

Still he looked down at his wand which was not quite a wand anymore. Instead it was a knotted holly branch three feet long with fiery sparkles floating throughout the wood.

Looking around he noticed gwo things. One it was rather dark and two he was in the middle of a barren icey plain.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been days of casting warning charms on himself constantly as he trudged along. It never got bright here and his hunger was growing. At least he could easily conjure a cup and melt snow.

He kept a feather light charm on himself as well. The first time he had fallen into a snow bank he thought he was going to die. It had been a close call.

Now he left almost no tracks on the snow as he walked along hour after unending hour.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The gnawing hunger had passed already and he knew from experience it would stay gone until it was truly dangerous.

He had not felt the sense of doom yet, of true impending death of a water fast going to long.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

He could feel it now, creeping on the edges. That slow dread building, soon he would feel the doom and then it would be over.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tears sprung from his eyes as he looked at the village before him. He knew that even a half day more and he would have not made it.

Still he had and it was with a giant smile on his face when he collapsed on the street in this elf village.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The elves had been arguing for days and it was finally coming to a close.

They had hidden here, far away from any wizard, where many ley lines intersected. No wizard knew of their village, no wizard could find their village. The elf magic had hidden it from all.

They were the free elves of the North and would not allow themselves to be bound like so others of their race.

So what to do with a hours from death wizard child who had stumbled into their village?

Magics had been cast and his lifeline read. The foul magic upon him destroyed. He was a child hero denied a childhood.

He was a wizard who was far out of time. A wizard whose fabric of being swam with time energy.

If he swore to keep the secrets of the village they would let him live here. So long as he also swore to never bind an elf or command them he was welcome.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry smiled at his friends the Free Elves of the North. The Fen's were good happy and joyous people. They fed him plenty, to much honestly, and he told them stories in return. Every day he would sit around telling stories to the elves who had time to listen.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been several centuries and Harry knew he still had many more to go before his time arrived again. He had put on a fair bit of muscle over the years. Nothing great but he was a full figured man by then. Even if he only looked 20 at the most.

He had gotten in the habit over the years of growing ice sculptures that moved as he told his stories.

They had grown into spectacles of joy as time passed by. The anniversary of his arrival was the winter solstice and they held grand celebrations to ward off the darkness during those weeks.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry had spent a few decades wandering about making his way southward. He was missing human contact and still had nearly two millennia to go before his time arrived.

He could easily Step from here, or anywhere, back to the Fens. So the travel was not so bad really.

He had made his way across the water to what he guessed was somewhere in Northern Europe. His memory of geography was fuzzy at best after a almost a millennia.

The cast a glamour on himself appearing older with a great beard before he approached the first village he found.

He remembered Dumbledore had a great beard and people trusted Dumbledore. So it was probably the beard, or maybe was it the twinkly eye bit? Better add that to make sure.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Elric stared as a large elderly man with a truly giant white beard approached the village from the North. In his hands was a stick of holly that sparkled in the evening light and a red bag that jingled with each step.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry had no money to speak of and likely didn't speak the language so story telling was not an option for him.

So he had crafted some simple items to hopefully trade with. He has hoping to stay long enough to pick up the language.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

His wares had been welcomed by all and after a few months was fitting in well. The winter solstice was approaching and he was not wanting to miss the celebrations.

He had stumbled his way through the language to say he was heading out for a few weeks but would be back soon enough.

They had looked alarmed but knew he was a man of magic. He would be fine they figured even if Nic the Lost got lost quite often.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

After the solstice he told stories of the village he had found the children he played with there. Nic had found a soft spot for kids he enjoyed.

Thinking further he made some sweets and toys to bring back with him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Elric smiled as Nic the Lost came back from wherever he disappeared to each year. Every year for decades Nic would disappear before the solstice only to return with sweets and toys for the children.

Nic the Lost still looked the same now as he had all those years ago. Even as Elric knew age would take him soon he could only smile at his old friend.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

After Elric had passed Nic the Lost had moved on. Finding new villages making new friends. Though he never stayed more then ten years at a time anymore. He hated seeing his friends age around him.

He would Step from village to village after the solstice gifting the children of the villages sweets and toys every year.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Mommy will Nicolas come again this year?"

Vanna smiled down at her children and she prepared them for bed.

"Yes children, every year he brings sweets and toys for the children to celebrate the coming passing of the darkest time of the year."

"It is a reminder for you and us all, the darkness and cold will always come to pass sweet child. And after it has passed, after this hard times, there is joy to look forward to. Celebrate the passing of the dark and cold, for each day brings us one Step closer to warmth and Sunshine."

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Happy Holidays to u/hipopokamu may you find each day one step closer to your warmth and happiness.


	7. Capitalism Cures

Jeffery was into his second year as President of MACUSA and somehow had avoided any major issues. Seems like it had all been building up to now though. Real pile up of bad luck all at once like a scene from Final Destination.

"Alright, so we have a massive breach involving some of the most wealthy and powerful muggles in America? What, how and why? I need the basics at least here people!"

His chief of staff looked a bit uncomfortable as he looked about the room desperately searching for someone else to take the lead on this. Finding so respite he audibly took a deep breath before releasing.

"Alright, Eric Lang is a Biology professor at MIT. Absolute genius on genetics, had a close friend attacked by a werewolf that the Lycan Center missed somehow. Still looking into who the initial attacker was, no clues yet."

President Jeffery nodded along, while scrying spells and heavy detection nets helped they still missed the occasional werewolf. Still werewolf attacks in MACUSA were lowest in the world.

"The friend was noticed by the scrying spells before their first change and brought in. Standard protocols, wolfsbane and a nice friendly place to change. She changed no problems and everything was going as normal."

Jeffery was thinking back to this Eric Lang, that had to play into this soon enough somehow he was sure.

"Well after her transformation gifted her enough magic she made her way to a magical shopping district. Presumably to purchase more wolfsbane, she was well past the wolfsbane income subsidy bracket so it was normal enough."

The Wolfsbane subsidy was an excellent initiative overall. You make enough to afford the potion without any financial burden you are responsible for purchasing it. Turn in your receipts each month for two years and then quarterly after that to the Lycan Center to prove you were purchasing them. Can't afford them then the price was offset or covered fully by the Lycan Center. What they saved on cleaning and covering up werewolf attacks more than offset the cost.

"She had gotten a few minor magic trinkets to prove magic exists to her friend Eric. He was convinced and she managed to rope him into finding out what had changed with her DNA. They had managed to find old hairs from before the attack and she has a sister whom they could also use to help find a baseline."

Okay, so Biology professor from MIT who is famous for genetics got hold of a werewolf before and after DNA. Was lycanthropy somehow tied to DNA? Wow, he would have to get a panel together on that. Holding up his hand for a second he made a note to investigate that.

Nodding he motioned for his chief of staff to continue.

"Well after a few months they had gotten a few other werewolf samples of DNA and DNA from several wizards as well. Then it happened, they cracked it. They managed to isolate the Lycanthropy DNA and…"

Here his chief was looking extremely uncomfortable right now. Whatever he had to say next was going to not make Jeffery a happy camper.

"Well he isolated the DNA that give us magic."

After dropping that bombshell his chief suddenly found anything else to be looking at as he let it settle with the president.

"Wha… bffpphhh… hhhhzzz… fuuuu… suh… NOPE, awwww… goddamnit."

The president stood up abruptly startling everyone in the room. Turning he walked around the edge of the room as everyone stared in anxious worry about how this was going to turn out.

He made his way to the door of the sealed room tapping his wand against it in a clear patterned manner. It unsealed after a few seconds and his head of security poked his head into the room.

His security could tell something was going on as the President was looking like he had just ordered the dropping of another nuke on Japan because two was the loneliest number and three was just right.

"Valhalla Mead, a full cask. At least enough mugs to break a few each for all of us. Scratch that, two casks. Temporal Emergency, make it happen!"

Nodding his head of security reached to his watch and flipped the dial open after twisting it. Rolling back a dial he disappeared back an hour in time. After 10 more seconds the far door opened, and the required booze arrived.

Once they all had a mug the President raised his into the air waiting for the rest of the room to join. Once they were all in the air, he began chugging his mead before throwing the mug against the wall shattering it. The rest of the mugs joined shortly afterwards, then the President settled down to another mug of mead to take his time with.

"Continue."

No other words were said, and no others need be said right now.

"Mr. Eric Lang then managed to isolate and target the DNA associated with Lycanthropy with a modified RNA virus. There is now an effective, cheap and safe cure for Lycanthropy."

Okay this the president could work with. If they just got the right NDA's in place, they could keep any more info on magic genes quiet.

"The cure does not remove the genes that grant magic, in fact without the suppressing nature of Lycanthropy on the muggle she gained the full magic potential of a born witch."

Well that was a trip, so curing Lycanthropy turns muggles into Wizards or Witches. Oh fuck, Jeffery could already see where this was going.

"They found a safe way to infect muggles didn't they?"

His chief of staff could see the president had figured out what was going on. He just nodded to the president and waited for him to finish his thoughts.

"After that they started a business didn't they? Opened a clinic or something, turning wealthy muggle clients into Wizards and Witches, didn't they?"

Once again getting the head nod in return he then voiced his only questions he had left.

"How long and how many?"

The chief of staff had the answer in front of him anticipating these questions.

"Almost 3 years and nearly 2,000 muggles have been changed. We only found out when Oprah was spotted walking into a Zurich Gnome bank."


	8. a sarcastic life lived

"Sarcasm is the defense of a sharp mind from the dullards of their life."

Harry had no idea where he had heard it, or even what sarcasm was at first. He understood he was smarter than the Dursleys for sure though. So he started making intelligent comments that seemed innocent at first.

By age 7 he was the single most sarcastic child to walk the streets of Surrey.

When his letter arrived at age 11 the Dursleys were glad to be rid of the little bastard. Especially after he had back chatted a Bobby so bad at age 9 they had swung by for a talk.

Vernon had used some serious favors keeping himself out of goal that time. The bobbies still turned around every month checking on the boy.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Bless my soul it's Harry Potter!"

Harry watched as these so called adults crowded around him like he was the baby jesus reborn. Well he was awesome so he couldn't really blame them.

"One at a time Ladies and Gentlemen, come now before your Lord and genuflect in my presence in a nice orderly fashion. We're British, form a queue, should come natural to you lot."

Off put at first the crowd saw the sense in making an orderly line. He gave out blessing like beads at Mardi Gras. Unlike Mardi Gras though he didn't get to see any tits.

"Yes madam, it's a real pleasure to see you as well. What say we discuss some other pleasurable things together in a private room heh?"

The older witch laughed and gave a light blush. The Boy-Who-Lived was a riot, cute as well. Maybe in a few years she would look him up.

Hagrid wasn't sure what to make of it but after Harry had asked if someone could get his 'Best Friend over 8ft tall' a drink. Well, he had a few pints gifted to him so far and was felling mighty fine.

Harry really seemed a good sort to Hagrid. Best friend already, blimey Harry was good people he was. Why even Dumbledore never called Hagrid his best friend.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Does Mr. Potter have his key?"

"Well see the funny thing about that is, no I fucking don't actually. So how about we figure something out then?"

The goblin was taken aback, what fool of a boy talked to him like that?

"Perhaps we should see about closing Mr. Potters vault then hmmm?"

The mere mention of possibly closing a vault was more than enough to scare most wizards straight.

"Perhaps I should bugger your mum and close your vault eh mate? Whatcha think?"

The teller snarled and leapt across the counter. Harry was glad as fuck he had a three-quarters pissed to the winds half giant as his freind right beside him.

Hagrid snatched up the little goblin and chucked him across the bank lobby like a discus.

"Ya not be laying a hair on me best friend we Harry here."

Normally even defending yourself would see a battle royale of goblins destroying the offending person.

Rebeus Hagrid was famous for many things, mainly being one of the most successful beast breeders in the world.

The Hydracore he had bred five years ago was still a modern world wonder of death and destruction.

Yes, the crazy bastard had bred a Hyrda and Manticore somehow, all while crying in joy at the cute beast that was an unholy abomination.

This same crazy bloke was now drunker than any could remember screaming in the bank about his best friend Harry Potter.

It was decided to make some a new key and sweep the whole incident under the rug as it were.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Blimey you're Harry Potter."

"Yep, and for only ten galleons you can sit here and pretend you're a good friend of mine to everyone who shows up after you."

Ron figured it was a good deal, only he didn't have any money actually.

"Well I don't have any money, how about a sandwich my mum made?"

Harry had been joking around but would never turn down free food.

"Agreed, so what's my new friends name?"

"Ron Weasley, where have you been all these years?"

"Secret government training, can't talk about it, total hush hush. You understand of course?"

Ron nodded along as if that spun yard of pure bullshit made any sense at all.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Mr. Potter our new resident celebrity."

"Oi if I'm the new one who is the old one. Can't be that popular if I've never heard of them can they? Afterall everyone knows I'm the best thing to happen since wands were made."

Snape was taken back by the braggart of a little shit. The boy was worse than his father had ever been.

"Still thank you sir for introducing my glorious self to everyone in the room once again. In case they had forgot the many times we had already had class before now. Never can be to sure after all."

Snape was about to completely lose his cool at this point and was lifting his wand to send the boy flying.

"So you teach cooking class around here huh? Not much for home economics myself, do you teach sewing second year? Obviously hygiene is not your balliwick sir. I mean your hair could be used as a candle if someone was desperate and brave enough to get that close."

Snape felt something wash over him as his face turned from the violent purple it had been to a more neutral color. Suddenly the floor was much closer and he felt exceptionally tired.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Yes, Albus he burst a blood vessel and died within seconds. It takes a hatred beyond reasoning for a wizards magic to not stop such a thing for happening."

Dumbledore stared down at the corpse of Severus Snape. Well that had set his plans back more than a little bit. Even more than Hagrid claiming the boy as his best friend. The giant of a man sat with the boy regularly at meals even now!

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hidden under his Cloak of Awesomeness Harry waited outside the Charms Corridor beside the Grand Staircase.

Draco had gotten detention for trying to rat on them about Hagrid's dragon. They had fed it some potion laced meat and found a nice cave for it in the forest.

Hagrid was ecstatic about getting to keep the little beast. As Draco approached the staircase Harry gave him a solid push.

Draco wasn't dead but he wouldn't be mobile anytime soon that was for sure.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lucius looked down at his failure. The fool boy had tripped on the stairs and fell down most of them.

The boy was paralyzed now from the neck down and it would take a year to completely heal the boy.

His grades had been middling at best so far and he was as subtle as a beaters bat.

Well Narcissa was still young, perhaps time to try for another.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry's year was almost over when they had solved the mystery of what Quirrel was after. Harry had told them it was fine to snope around the edges.

They were not bobbies though so yeah, not doing any crime solving thank you very much.

Which meant he was baffled how he had come to he holding the philosophers stone in his hand facing Voldemort.

Naff this, he wasn't a bleeding hero. He stuffed the stone down the front of his trousers and did a little jiggle.

"What you going to do now? Reach down a little boys trousers and pull out what you find?"

He could tell his ultimate fallback plan was working. If all else fails make the situation so uncomfortable they are stunned.

Harry figured stuffing a glowy magic rock with sharp edges down his trousers wasn't the best idea.

Especially when it poked him and he felt himself start bleeding. The fiery sensation in his trousers was not related to spending time with Mary down on the corner.

He fell on the floor writhing in pain as his trousers caught on fire. The stone was melting in a magic inferno into his skin.

Painful, yeah that was not the most apt word. More like being dipped in a sea of razor blades, lime juice, salt and piss.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dumbledore stared down at the Boy-Who-Lived-Again. Dumbledore had made his way down to the chamber after he was sure the fight was over.

It had taken a bit of sneaking but he had managed to hide a portkey on the boy. It was set to go off if he was still in his bed by 11 that night.

The fight was destined after all and who was Dumbledore to stand in the way of destiny?

They had fought it out he was sure. He was also sure he had no idea what had happened. He had found Quirrel dead on the ground and the boy shooting flames from his dick.

That had been an absolute mystery for sure. It had taken him hours to determine what the hell had happened there.

The boy had somehow integrated the stone into himself. No naffing clue how that had happened but now the boy pissed literal streams of gold.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

His aunt and uncle had been at a loss at what to do with the boy. He came back from that school of his literally pissing gold.

Vernon was never one to turn down money. Yet the nature of it had been distasteful to say the least.

In the end Vernon decided money was money. He had purchased some old novelty chamber pots and was raking in money now.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Harry Potter must not go back to...AHHHHHH! HARRY POTTER MUST STOP!"

Harry was filling a chamber pot when some god awful ugly little gremlin appeared before him. It was yelling something or other before he started pissing on the thing.

"What the bleeding hell are you! Bleeding stranger danger mate! Get away from me you perverted little demon."

Harry heard a pop as the creature vanished. That had been weird to say the least.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ron thought driving his dad's car would be a good idea. Ron also had no naffing clue how to drive as the giant hole they smashed through the London Tower proved. He had shown even that was just the tip of his inability to drive right afterwards.

Heathrow had a massive number of unexplainable events that resulted in many of their low altitude aircraft hitting an large unidentified object.

Really though Harry was a huge fan of the impervious spell. Seriously that is now bar none his favorite spell.

Especially after that incident where Ron had accidentally played chicken with a train. Said train was most assuredly not the Hogwarts Express.

It had not ended well for the train, magic was awesome and Ron was the worst driver of all time.

Seriously, can not say it enough, impervious charm, best spell ever.

Well no bother, Hogwarts Astronomy Tower got a free makeover and they made it in time for the sorting.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry poked the cat with a stick as it hung from the scone.

"Funny word innit, scone. Scones hold torches and taste good with tea. Who decided to use the same word for 'thing that holds fire' and 'tasty biscuit'?"

Dumbledore stopped his thoughts on dark magic and the chamber of secrets. The boy had some excellent points sometimes.

"Velma" he addressed Hermione with a vague wave if his hand. "Look that up, I'm sure it's important or something."

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Snape was dead and Draco still relearning to walk so the dueling club had actually been rather fun.

At least for Harry it had been fun. He had cast an impervious charm on a glove and was swatting spells away like a fat kid attacking cake.

His counter spells were amazing, sure the almost famous Lockhart had tried to tell Harry some rules or something.

Ignoring that he had just cast a fire whip that had gone out of control instantly. Mainly due to him having only skimmed over the spell once in a book and never actually given it any practice.

Still he was surrounded by Slytherins and Ravenclaws at the time so no big loss. As he had been in a club sponsored by Lockhart, legally Lockhart was at fault for the deaths anyways, so he hadn't been bothered that much.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Apparently not a single bloody person had thought to cast impervious charms on their glasses and clothes before fighting a Basilisk.

Yeah not that big a deal after that, especially once you knew a little known fact. Basilisk were also allergic to gold, so yeah. It had been a showdown between Salazars and his mighty snakes.

He had won hands down it seemed. Fawkes had dropped off a hat or something. He had pissed on it on accident so he threw the now golden hat at the Basilisk.

Overall could have went better, 2 out of 10, would not reccomend.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

For another little known fun fact, his piss was infused with gold and life essence it seemed. Both were not good for the health of dark creatures it seemed.

Him peeing on a dementor and it burning up in golden flames had been weird. Still it had worked so yeah for that.

The ministry had pulled all the dementors back after that incident. Apparently no one had thought to throw gold at the things before. They were highly allergic and enough would even kill them.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Harry stared at the map and stared at the names in the bed.

Flinging open the curtains he saw Ron sleeping with his rat in bed with him.

"I fucking knew it! Ron, how dare you lie to me all these years! You have been keeping scabbers real name a secret! That's why he runs in terror when ever I am near!"

Ron woke up confused and only grew more confused as Harry continued his rant.

"Nah mate, like most sane creatures re runs from you so you don't perform horrible experiments on him."

Harry was aghast at Ron's implications of his research.

"I am pushing the boundaries of magic Ron, he should be grateful for the chance to help!"

"Nah mate, casting the impervious charm on people's pets and throwing them off high stuff to see if they live isn't pushing boundries of magic."

"Ron, I completed that research last year! Now I am testing the long term effects of prolonged cheering charm exposure."

"Mental you are, leave me alone, I'm going back to sleep."

"Fine, but Peter the Rat I'm watching you!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hermione had wanted to argue about crookshanks, she really did. However hin coughing up part of a rat tail with a huge ball of fur had killed that argument.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seeing as how he was about to piss himself in fear of the werewolf he figured he might as well try.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been nice making front page of the Daily Prophet. Turns out to cure lycanthropy you just needed piles of gold. Injecting it also helped as well, by making werewolves stay poor the ministry had made the issue worse, go figure.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

There was something about Moody that Harry figured was off. Perhaps his limp wasn't quite right, or maybe his mannerism off slightly? No, it was likely when Harry had found the stash of cocaine in his office.

Still it was excellent cocaine he had to admit. So when he needed a fix to get into the tournament he had turned to the coke head Professor.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

"The champion for Durmstrang is...what the bloody hell? Harry Potter?"

While it was unexpected to say the least no one had expected any less from Harry so Hogwarts students took it fairly easily.

"The Beau... fucking Potter again. Let me guess Hogwarts champion will also be Harry Potter." Snatching up the next parchment he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Harry Potter, I want you to know right now I truly hate you."

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seeing as he had proven to be more capable than every other entrant from all three schools Harry was accepted as the Hogwarts Champion. Durmstrang and Beaubienxaitnskfneishebfiehbdjcjebdjxjsbejdje, that fucking Frenchie school, had each chosen their own contestants.

The french girl was alright and Krum was a legit flyer.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

So maybe hitting Krum with a confundus charm before he stepped into the arena had been a bit over the top. Well good news was Harry only had one competitor now.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

A lake in February, in Scotland, early morning. Yeah bugger that entirely.

Harry had spent the week before hand conjuring massive blocks of salt into the water.

Sure they only lasted a week or so but that was fine by him. The day of the task rolled around and the black lake was barren. The salt content was so high sprays of it were entrusting the dock in real time as they watched it.

The merfolk had fled days ago and it had been impossible to secure any hostage underwater.

Instead a race across the lake had been chosen. Fleur started off with strong strokes and wa the clear favorite to win.

Harry had informed the crowd he would be right back.

Ten minutes later Fleur was nearing the quarter way mark when Harry had blasted by on his Firebolt.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Babymort and Peter were waiting for him at the end of the portkey. As had become reflex he started pissing on his attacker when threatened.

Wraith possessed homunculus were also highly allergic to his golden urine it turned out.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

absolute silly fic closests to serious it gets is what would have likely happened for real with Rons driving.

reponse to prompt by Reddit user Taure


	9. Weekly Tribulations of a Nundu Herder 1

16 November, 1992

Falcus Grottendoch looked up from his desk as the mail was delivered for the week.

Unless it was urgent he refused to deal with the headache that was his job on a day to day basis.

Nope, he let it stack up and then would work on it that next Monday. Not nearly as efficient, or even effective. Hell it was positively the most ineffective method most people could name.

His method meant that they were usually a week or two late in responding to events around the world.

It also meant he hadn't drunk himself into a coma like the last person to hold his position.

Or literally strip naked one day, walk up to the Supreme Mugwump and hand in his resignation. That had been only 20 years ago and three people before.

No, Falcus may be horribly inefficient at his job. But he had broken the record for lasting longest in this job by over a decade. He had started this job 14 years ago…

Falcus was considered by many to have one of the most important jobs in the entire ICW.

Ministers didn't ask how high when he said jump, they didn't jump high as they could, no Minsters sent battalions of Aurors out making sure every person in the country was jumping, while jumping themselves.

Why? Because when the Office of Damascus said something it was usually attached to "or else we will all die" or "unless you enjoy watching all the grass in the country turn into blood seeking monsters made of pure diamond".

That last one had been a bit of a rush honestly. He had been forced to actually leave his office and go in person to explain why it was a bad idea to the confused man.

Of course the Office of Damascus had another name spoke around the ICW. The Nundu Corral. Like trying to herd cats, only they were giant beasts capable of mass destruction without even noticing.

Long known, and well studied, the older a magical being got the more powerful they became. The more powerful they became the more magic would keep their body working despite old age.

Long ago they had worked out the age to power ratio of when there was enough power to simply stop aging.

Most didn't reach this age for whatever race they were until they were rather old already.

Some, through a multitude of various means, reached it far earlier. Early enough that they still had that spark of youthful creativity.

That little bit, or massive amount depending, of childish insanity that let them see the world absolutely sideways, inside out, backwards, slanted, or his personal favorite description, 'shifted to a nice Tenor with a subtle taste of Magenta'.

Due to these monsters of magic a council of magicals had been formed nearly 5,000 years ago, in Damascus. Yes, even then, they had been a gods be damned issue.

So they had made a world wide treaty, once someone lived over three times the normal lifespan of their species the Damascus council would help keep them in check.

No one wanted immortal rulers setting themselves up as gods after all.

So 5,000 years of bureaucracy had led to an office in charge of keeping track of these titans of magic.

Falcus had this dubious honor right now and it would have been a nice enough job, as it had been for the most part of the last 2,000 years. Had it not been for one of these titans of magic in particular.

Xenophilius had gotten on a kick about a half century ago to start writing. Which was fine, everyone loved when these old masters published new stuff.

It usually wound up really advancing whatever field it was related to a good bit.

No, he had fell in love with NEWSPAPERS!

So he had started one. Sent a copy to all of his friends, each at least hundreds if not thousands of years old, and many of them had thought the idea novel enough to start doing so as well!

There were over 40 newspapers, from weekly, to monthly and quarterly, published by these old masters.

Which had led to the current nightmare that was his office.

He always enjoyed the weekends.

Especially as he had a special time turner that let him go back up to a full day. That made his weekends nearly as long as his week day.

Sure he was aging a bit faster but he didn't really care. His peace of mind was well worth going grey slightly faster than the speed of light it was currently approaching from the stress.

Opening the box he pulled out the top paper. Reading the headline and putting a few clues together he only had one thing to say.

"Fuck"

It read simply enough, and amazingly straightforward for Xenophilius.

"Ancient Dirty Frog Cures for when you lose Shiny Red Rocks"

Falcus found himself outside his office on a workday once again, that was twice this month, never a good sign.

He had a wonderful bottle of pixie brewed sunflower wine in hand. Xenophilius was always easy to get along with, a rather benign person overall. Though a good bribe never hurt.

Xenophilius usually wrote in riddles wrapped in puzzles that were secretly obscure puns in strange dialects of forgotten languages.

Falcus had gotten bored on day and tried to decipher what the hell Teragent Flupwuffles really meant.

It was a word puzzle of rhyming words, cracking the Ter/Geir rhyme had been the clue.

Translated it meant, roughly, fat stupid sheep who couldn't use magic properly.

That title was also the one Xenophilius used most often when writing spells witches and wizards could use.

Which is why he had put the clues together so fast on his newest headline. Xenophilius was often far more subtle than that.

Calling Nicholas Flamel out as an old dirty Frenchman who had had his Philosophers Stone destroyed, seems those rumor were true, was out of character.

Until Falcus had realized the damn article had buried instructions in it on how to make one that any first year student could follow. While costing less than 3 galleons to boot!

Xenophilius came to the door rather fast today. It had only taken Falcus waiting 2 hours today for him to answer.

Xenophilius saw the bottle Falcus was holding and smiled. He waved the man in, no magical over a century old would ever give verbal invitation into their house.

Falcus offered over the bottle after sitting down and waited as Xenophilius poured 3 glasses of it. One disappeared and Flacus figured Luna was squealing in happiness wherever she was right now.

It was her favorite wine after all, and that was the reason he had brought it. The surest way to get Xenophilius in a talkative mood was to pander to Luna.

"Xenophilius I have a question for you I hope you can answer for me."

Xenophilius drank his wine and relaxed in his chair nodding to Falcus.

"I know we have talked about the fact magical societies world wide use gold as the base for their currency."

Xenophilius thought for a second and his eyes widened.

Normally a wizard in his position would assume that they had widened as the realized what releasing the recipe for a Philosophers Stone would mean.

That unlimited gold world wide would mean a rapid devaluation of gold. Sinking the magical communities into a financial crisis of epic proportions.

No, Flacus had been in this job long enough to know better. Sure enough, he had been right as the next words of Xenophilius reminded Falcus to take a deep drink of his wine.

"Do they really? That seems rather silly. I blame the Kneazles."

There was so much wrong with that statement Falcus was not even sure where to start. So he didn't and simply wrote it off as a bad job.

"Perhaps, though it is the truth of the matter. So I was wondering, if, in the future, you have any articles about transmuting things into precious metals, gems, or similar rare minerals. Could you hold off on them to keep from collapsing the economy of the world?"

Xenophilius seemed to be thinking about it and nodded along.

"I have always been rubbish at transmutation anyways."

Falcus let himself relax at how well it had gone. Sometimes these old masters got really touchy about these things.

Falcus had a rather nice time overall and really enjoyed his visit. Xenophilius was always a cheerful sort and he had a subtle humor that was always a laugh.

2 December, 1992

Falcus had only three other minor incidents to deal with since then. The potential collapsing of the worlds economy had only rated a mild on his scale.

His scale went roughly minor, mild, moderate, serious, major, immediate, and lastly was Yesterday.

That one usually involved a few batshit crazy spells and time travel. He had only needed to use those twice so far in 14 years.

So long as no one died or it wasn't a breach of the Muggle/Magical secrecy issue he rarely considered anything more than mild.

Almost finished with this week's box, it was only Wednesday, he reached the Quibbler and smiled. It was a fun issue on an Aztec Sun Ritual that for once didn't involve human sacrifice.

So it was a shock, not a surprise though, sadly, when he read the gardening section.

"Singing Sapphires: 3 Easy Steps to Grow Your Own"

Thumping his head on his desk he wrote another missive, his sixth this week. This one would need to be routed through the dwarves, they used Sapphires extensively in their magic.

He began writing up missives and using the floo to make some firecalls. While being able to grow your own sapphires that were "big as a thumb in only 2 months" was likely going to be useful is all kinds of ways. For now it was going to make giant waves.

He even had to chuckle to himself over it. He had worded his request to Xenophilius extremely poorly.

After all, growing flowers with sapphire seeds was far different than transmutation.

21 December, 1992

The Yule special edition of the Quibbler had glasses in them. Along with an article about them being useful when around the Kurdish Ezik Kimse Kagan area.

There was no such area, in fact that was Turkish for roughly translated 'loser king of the sheep'.

He could tell Xenophilius was on a roll though as there had been more than a few layered sarcastic and biting comments in the article.

Doubling back he had cast a custom word search spell of his own design.

It tried to find rhymes, including full, half, and even quarter, of any word he wanted. He could even focus it on specific languages.

So throwing the Turkish words into it, setting the output to Kurdish and waiting he had spent about 10 minutes finding what he thought was the likely answer.

Goatweed?

What in the hell was that supposed to mean? Checking his synonym guide he found it.

"Oh dear, 'Hogwarts Loser King of the Sheep'."

Whatever it was Xenophilius was pissed at Dumbledore. He tore back through the article and was far from reassured.

He had no clue what the hell was going on but it seemed somewhat serious.

The glasses promised, once he had figured out the word tricks, to protect the mind against that which should not be seen.

The world of magic had more than a few things that could fall under that category.

Some rather benign overall, including Boggarts, some which were best left in the strange dimensions from which they slipped through into ours for short visits.

While Xenophilius may be pissed, he wasn't worried anymore than to send some glasses to anyone who wanted them.

Falcus would make some arrangements for someone to watch the return of the students after yule break. So long as Luna returned he wouldn't worry about it much.

21 June 1993

As Falcus was in the process of smashing his head against the table his assistant stepped in the room and placed a tea set for him.

His extra special one at that.

It was the one with the whiskey he liked to add to his teacup.

A nice teacup filled to the top, hold the tea.

The rumors coming out of Britain had been confirmed. A Basilisk over a millennia old had been loose in Hogwarts.

As his brain years ago had learned to go in all kinds of directions, including several he hadn't even known existed until taking this job, he had made a connection.

Xenophilius had been pissed at Dumbledore, and sent some glasses through the Quibbler which 'protected the mind against that which should not be seen'.

Like, oh, I don't know, maybe, say perhaps, a Merlin be damned basilisk stare!

He wrote a note to check the quibbler glasses if they made it possible to resist, or even fully block, the stare of a basilisk.

He passed it off to his assistant and began enjoying his tea.

It was his third cup of special blend tea, whiskey, no tea actually made it into the cup, that a report came back.

Yes in fact, they would block a basilisk stare. Completely in fact!

They were going to revolutionize basilisk breeding.

Falcus made a promise to himself to do the rounds once again with the crowd.

That if they were aware of any beasts freely roaming in populated areas that were of the deadly variety please let him know.

This of course led to more than a few rather interesting discoveries.

That shithead Rumplestiltskin had been trapping various beasts over the years in paintings that only need a basic finite or similar spell to release them.

Hell even damaging the painting would be enough to release the beast trapped within!

Yeah, that was a nightmare they were still trying to track it all down. His reply when asked if he knew any beasts of "well there's a manticore in The Louvre" had almost given Falcus a heart attack.

Lovegood was no better. He couldn't find it in his heart to harm any of the dangerous beasts so he had frozen them in time.

After that he had covered them in stone and everyone thought they were just incredible statues of the great beasts.

The revelation that he could trap things in time had gone over like a bludger to the brain.

The further revelation that the 'statue' of the infamous wizard killing Bandersnatch in the ICW entryway was in fact the actual Bandersnatch was one being quietly and carefully handled.

Falcus shivered in at the thought of it having ever being released on accident while still in the entryway.

When he asked, rather politely he felt, why Xenophilius hadn't informed anyone about the basilisk at Hogwarts. To which he had casually shrugged and said it seemed obvious enough.

After all if the ICW's own Supreme Mugwump wasn't making a big deal over it why should he?

That had gotten Albus called to the carpet right quick. They had finally dragged out of the old man that he believed, with some good but circumstantial, evidence showing Lucius Malfoy was behind the attacks.

Well Mr. Malfoy had found his life under an ICW probe rather quick.

The Malfoy family had found themselves rather much less as rich is short order.

The family was still loaded, just not fabulously so anymore.

Darius, the chief of ICW threat division, had wanted to fine the hell out of those old titans who had left ancient and deadly monsters just laying around.

Falcus has laughed the man out of his office.

Rumplestiltskin could make gold by the tons in days. Xenophilius grew precious gems like they were a vegetable garden. Assaf the Plenty had a grove of trees he grew made of pure platinum. Idun grew apples made of gold, that somehow were edible as well.

That was just the start of the list. The fuck a fine matters to these people!?

Falcus would at best sour relations with them and at worst face off against some of the most powerful beings alive.

20 September 1993

For once something totally groundbreaking out of the Quibbler was nothing he had to worry about.

"Decline of Good Morals: How to Stop Unwanted Kissing"

It seemed that even the ever gentle Xenophilius had no love for Dementors. If his several instructions on how to permanently end unwanted suitors was any sign.

He had listed three spells and a potion, all carefully worded and buried in a confusing mess of course, that would kill a Dementor.

Oh wait, there, written in reverse order in English pronunciation of Summerian B was another spell.

You had to read the 1st letter of the first sentence. The 2nd letter of the second, etc. Until you looped back around to the last letter and had to restart.

Oh dear. That was a spell of wonder. He passed off a missive to the people down at research to look into it.

It seems like it would reverse time on a Dementor until they were no longer cursed. Falcus wasn't even aware the damn things were cursed to begin with.

Well research would figure it out soon enough.

10 November 1993

Falcus had been putting off the Quibbler until Wednesday this week. Word was some escaped convict had attacked Hogwarts, where Luna Lovegood was currently attending.

Luna Lovegood, the only daughter of Xenophilius. Yes, he was sure this edition would be wonderful.

Taking a sip of his special tea he read the 1 November edition of the Quibbler. The family had to be seers or something to have published this monster of an article within 12 hours of the attack.

"Souruu~itchi Fera, Conspiracy to Keep the Sooty Mounds from finding Change"

He spent most of the day sorting out that one. Soul witch, and beast were easy enough for the start. Though he had pushed figuring out what the hell that meant right to the top.

Soul magic, never a good thing to be caught up in.

Going over the article his next clue was finding the instructions to build a Paquet congo.

He had called up several people to his office before they figured out where that came from.

It was a Haitian magic focus. So he had pulled up his many various word play spells and thrown Haitian into it against Sooty Mounds.

He was currently having another drink as the phrase moun sòt came back, it meant idiot.

Feeling like an idiot he then started playing around with Soul Witch translating them to Latin, were the word Fera came from.

Anima was easy enough and the Fera was the last clue he needed. Witch was more magic practitioner then witch in the original language.

So he had come up with Anima Magus Fera, or Animagus.

Using that revelation he realized it was an extremely easy to follow, once deciphered, guide to becoming an Animagus. Along with several spells for keeping Animagus away and/or forcing them to revert.

Seriously, this rather different Paquet congo took less than a week to make and would help you master the transformation in about another week.

Once again he wrote off another note to research, and kept a copy for his notes.

He had a highly secured grimoire filled with the knowledge he had gained these last 14 years.

Every week he was adding something new to it.

Every month he was also adding some new obscure, and rather powerful, magic to keep the damn thing safe.

The part that kept him up an night sometimes, what really chilled him to the bone. It was the fact his grimoire would be coveted by nearly anyone who could get their hands on it.

People would kill just to get a chance to have a half hour to look through it, if anyone knew it existed that was.

No that wasn't what scared him so deeply.

It was that his mighty tome of knowledge was assembled from nothing more than the idle amusements of the people he tried to keep somewhat corralled.

If Xenophilius wasn't such a kind soul, Master Smith Deepdweller ever turned his skill towards war, Rumplestiltskin decided to make a trick involving more than a few people (like say a major metropolis), or even Warm Current Rider of the Soothing Wave got tired of the oceanic pollution and decided to ban all ships from the Indian Ocean (or worse).

Any one of these great masters, of which there were many, could at any time just flip the world into chaos with just a casual attempt.

Damn, he was getting melancholy again.

He decided to go visit Warm Current Rider of the Soothing Wave actually. He could use a good swim, the merfolk lord was always bringing joy and happiness with him.


	10. Secrets of Divination

Harry knew the class was bad when even Hermione had walked out of it. Hermione was a girl who stayed in muggle studies despite the travesty it was. If she could stay in a class that constantly told her horrific untruths about muggles. Well, he wasn't the brightest student, he was more than willing however to follow the brightest student in thought. If not action, he after all didn't have other classes to fill up his second slot, dropping wasn't an option for him.

So, he mustered up his thoughts and decided to look through the library. There must be more on divination, possibly it was merely the teacher who was bunk and not the art itself.

Ron had been interested enough to agree, though not enough to dig through the library. Ron was not a book learner, he learned through doing. Asking him for help would just mean he would find Ron soon frustrated and soon they would be doing something else.

He really didn't like his divination teacher and refused to believe that she was a true expert. There had to be more to this! It was an important enough class to be taught at Hogwarts!

There had to be something here, he simply was missing it. There was a rather large section of divination in the library he found. It was amazing to see how much more there was covered in the section than the bits they had learned in class.

Until he had started reading the books that was. No wonder Hermione had given the subject up as bunk. The books were vague at best and would contradict themselves occasionally in the same page!

He refused to believe there was nothing to this though, there had to be something in this mess that he could use!

It was as he was skimming a rather long-winded book that a single line stood out.

"I once again find myself having to use my talents to divine the issue wrong with someone at the new Hospital, without my power to see what was wrong with the person the so-called healers would have never found the issue."

The woman had then gone on to complain about a need for money as her services were rarely being called on recently.

He read back to the start of the chapter far closer and thought he had figured out the basics at least. You had to read in between the lines a fair bit to get it though it was there if you were looking for it.

Divination was simply seeking out information about something outside yourself. Most thought, he had as well, that meant seeing the future or the occasional spell to find water. A spell branch rendered useless with the water charm.

It could also be used to find information about people. Information such as what was wrong with a patient. Divination experts had been frequently called on when St. Mungo's had been first opened it seemed.

So, what did that mean now? Why were there no other references to this in any of the books he had read?

He had a lead now though, somewhere to start proving that divination was useful and not a totally bunk practice.

The library was arranged by idea and type. So, looking for information was always a challenge though it could be found. It didn't help the library was gigantic and he had gotten fully lost a few times.

He had finally gotten help from a nice Hufflepuff who had told him where in the labyrinth he would find books on healing. It was set in an alcove that was easy to miss, so easy he had spent ten minutes wandering the area trying to find it.

It took him some time to find the section pertaining to healing. It was a catch all grouping of disciplines like defense against the dark arts. A bit of charms, some transfiguration, potions, and here was the winner, divination.

It was a nice sized reading room with a good showing on the number of books. He scanned the titles trying to see any that would match the idea of divination for learning about injuries.

"Looking beneath, a guide to seeing under the skin."

There! He then began looking through the books near it to find that it was a large section overall. There was one that seemed the most introductory and he began with it.

Taking a seat, he set it on his lap and began reading. He was well satisfied to see that he had been right!

Divination was an integral part of healing! In fact, without divination magic it was nearly impossible to sort through the many possible magical problems a patient could be suffering from.

He was truly fascinated with what he had found and was soon entranced. Just the introduction section explained how to use the various abilities, powers, spells, and rituals of divination to solve some of the greatest dangers the wizarding world had faced.

The shrinking snivels no longer threatened the aged with growing smaller with each sneeze. A cure had been found through the information gained through divination.

So entranced was he that he never noticed the two new occupants of the room as he grew more excited with the wonders of divination healing.

Madam Pomfrey had been reading a recently published healers journal when the 7th year Hufflepuff Smithson had arrived in her office. He was apprenticing during his NEWT years as a healer and was showing he could handle to work.

"Madam Pomfrey, Harry Potter was asking around the library for the healers' section. I gave him some vague directions to give me time to find you as he looked for it."

Everyone in the healers' program knew the boy was in far more terrific accidents than anyone else. If he was looking for something to heal himself with that meant it was likely far more than his usual near life ending problem.

Nodding at his wisdom she thanked him before getting her on call staffer to watch the wing as she walked off. Calling for a house elf to inform the Headmaster of what was going on she strode to the library with purpose.

Albus arrived soon walking along with her. His eye catching baby blue robes with shooting stars swishing around him was new. He was still a spry old man and his large stride helped him easily keep up with her at they made their way to the library.

"While I am glad to see he is going out of his way be self-reliant, I fear what is so dangerous that he is looking for healing magic by himself."

Pomfrey could only agree completely at Albus's comment. The boy attracted injury worse than someone under a curse of foul luck. Huh, that would be something interesting to see. If there was something about him that replicated the effects of a foul luck curse.

They made their way quickly to the healers' section and looked into the reading room to see what the boy was doing.

She turned to see Albus had an eyebrow lifted as they both noticed the title. It was an introduction to using divination in healing. It took him a bit to make the connection.

Casting a silent privacy charm, he began speaking to Poppy.

"Miss Granger has recently quit divination class entirely. I believe Mr. Potter has taken into his head to find proof that divination is in fact a useful course."

Poppy nodded, there was one student every few years who would find the healing section through a chain of events similar to this. It was not any easy to find trail though and she would have to track down yet another book most likely and remove it from the divination section until a new edited edition could be added in its place.

The use of divination in healing was something that had been decided to be kept quite centuries ago. When Octavius Ranchilde had used the skill of divination and healing together to kill off over a quarter of Muggle London with a plague in 1666. That had been the snip that cut the crup's tail as it were.

Now, healers were bound by a rather restrictive oath and were carefully vetted before they were even allowed to learn healing. The healers' section was restricted even and kept a careful log of all students that entered it.

They talked for a few minutes before coming to an agreement. Either Harry would accept taking an oath as required or he would have his memories removed of the event. Of course, that would only be after they got the name of the book, or person, that had led him to the healing section from divination.

They knew he would likely have his memory removed, even Albus was sure of it. The strictness of not doing harm to others was nothing something that Harry Potter, enemy of Tom Riddle, would be able to survive.

That strict oath was well known, as well as the curse attached to it. Any witch or wizard foolish enough to attack a healer would find the Curse of Mungo wrought upon them. To never taste or smell again. For all color to fade from their sight. That all sounds were flat and dull without range. All the senses were numbed greatly, no joy or happiness would ever be theirs again. It was a cursed existence that found most withered away within weeks. Dead inside of a month as they simply lost the will to live.

It was a truly horrific curse for those who would dare attack those bound by oath to never harm others.

BREAK

Harry sat down at the table that night at the great hall and saw Hermione look up from her meal.

"Well, admit it now will you. Divination is bunk Harry; you have to change it! I promise to get you caught up if you take any of the other classes. I am sure Professor McGonagall will understand!"

Harry had to laugh at her antics. Waving her off for a second, he began filling his plate as he answered her.

"Already dropped the class this afternoon Hermione. Spoke with the Headmaster even about it. Don't worry it's going to be fine."

Hermione was surprised that he had agreed with her so easily. He had spent the last week in the library determined to prove her wrong. Still she was happy to see he wasn't going to waste his time on such a useless thing such as divination anymore.

"So what elective are you taking up Harry?"

"I have to drop Defense and Care along with Divination for my new course. The feeding portion of Care and spell practice in Defense make it impossible for me to take them."

Ron wasn't the fastest book learner but he was rather sharp in his own way. He looked up from where he had been half listening in and looked at Harry in awe.

"Bloody hell Harry, you're going to be a Healer!"

Of course, Ron had the tact of a flobberworm so he yelled it. The hall quieted down as the word soon spread.

The boy-who-lived had entered the healer program, a full two years early in fact.

Smiling Harry looked up as he answered.

"Yes, it's going to be great!"

Based on the Prompt by U/Vercalos on Reddit.

Hope you enjoyed it!


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